Why is it so hard to give feedback? | Feedback Series Part 1
If there’s one thing we all know we should do more of at work, but still somehow dread, it’s giving feedback.
We say we want more of it. We know it helps teams improve, strengthens relationships, and drives personal growth. But when it comes time to actually sit down and do it, our inner monologue starts negotiating:
“Maybe it’s not the right time.”
“What if they take it badly?”
“Maybe I should just wait until the next catch up.”
“Maybe it’s not my place.”
We worry it’ll be awkward. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Or we obsess over crafting the perfect message, which never quite arrives, then the moment slips away again.
Yet, feedback is the one thing we all say we want. We crave clarity. We want to grow. We want to know where we stand.
The Dream vs Reality
In the dream workplace, feedback is timely, constructive, and received with openness. Managers check in regularly. Teammates call out blind spots before they grow into performance issues. Feedback becomes just part of how we work.
But that’s not always reality.
In many firms, including mine, we wait for annual appraisal season. There’s a neat little form that prompts for “areas of improvement,” yet most people leave that part blank. Or write: “Everything’s great!” Which begs the question, are we working with perfect humans? Or are we just too uncomfortable to be honest?
I’d like to believe the latter.
Because feedback, when done well, is an act of care. But our fear of how others will react often gets in the way.
Why Do We Struggle?
We overthink, we ruminate, we worry. There are a few common culprits:
Fear of negative reactions - What if they get defensive? Or worse, cry?
Fear of being wrong - What if I’m the one misreading things?
Fear of consequences - Will this affect my relationship, promotion, standing?
Perfectionism - We wait for the “perfect” time and message, and meanwhile, the perfect moment didn't arrive.
Even feedback “upwards” is intimidating. When you're asked to provide feedback to your boss through the formal appraisal process. Reviewing your draft over and over again. "Do I sound too harsh? Would he/she take it too personally? Would turn into a backlash?"
It’s hard. They hold authority, they sign off on your appraisals. There’s always the risk of overstepping.
I’ve Been on the Receiving End Too
I still remember the Monday morning email. In my early years of my engineering career, working hard, trying to prove myself. My boss had sent feedback he’d clearly been holding onto it for a long time, drafted the email over the weekend. It hit me like a brick.
He said I lacked clarity about our project scope, and that I was letting the other team "step over us like a doormat."
It stung. I cried in the office toilet. I felt like I’d failed an exam. I let him down. I let myself down. After days of dwelling in self pity, I had to bounce back. That feedback made me sharper. It forced me to take ownership, learn faster, and assert myself in a way I hadn’t before. I just wish it had come earlier before it reached that boiling point.
The Cost of Delayed Feedback
One of the biggest and common mistakes in feedback? Waiting too long. Or worse, never giving it at all.
I remember a situation with a colleague, let’s call her Chloe. She was diligent, committed, and genuinely trying her best. But the feedback she needed to course-correct only came six months later. By then, she’d been operating with the wrong assumptions, putting her effort into the wrong areas, and burning herself out in the process.
Progress was delayed. The client wasn’t happy. And Chloe was completely blindsided. She thought she was doing fine. Had she received that feedback earlier, things could have been different for her, the team, and the project.
Then there’s the quieter tragedy, when feedback is so vague, so sugar-coated, or entirely absent, that people just… float. They don’t know what they’re doing well, or not so well. They assume no news is good news. Until performance reviews roll around, and they didn’t receive recognition or promotion they feel they deserve. Disappointed, demoralised, delusional, they leave the firm. They never knew what went wrong.
This is what happens when we let discomfort override communication. The longer we wait, the more damage we do.
Delayed or missing feedback isn’t just an inconvenience. It’s a costly silence that impacts morale, productivity, and retention.
One More Thing: Feedback Isn’t Just About the Negative
We often treat feedback as something to “correct” or “fix.” But what about praise?
We’re so focused on improvement that we sometimes forget to celebrate what’s already working.
The truth is, we all need some form of recognition to keep us going. Studies have shown that workers who are frequently praised and acknowledged for their efforts are 20 times more likely to be engaged and committed to their jobs compared to those who rarely receive appreciation or positive feedback.
And yet, so many managers hold back on praise like it’s a rare resource, saving it for annual awards or milestone moments.
But appreciation doesn’t need to be dramatic. A sincere “I noticed what you did there, that made a difference. Keep it up” goes a long way. It should also be given timely, not a few weeks or months later.
It tells people they matter. It reinforces what they should keep doing. It builds trust.
Feedback Is a Gift
It takes courage to give it. Vulnerability, care and to make the other person feel seen. It says, “I believe in your potential, and I want to help you see it.”
It might not always come out perfectly. But that doesn’t mean we should hold it in.