Turning Tough Feedback Into Growth (Without Taking It Personally) | Feedback Series Part 4
Welcome back to the last instalment of the feedback series. I’ve covered why feedback matters, identified different styles, and mastered the art of giving feedback. Now for the flip side, I'll dive into receiving feedback gracefully and turning it into growth.
Feedback? Cue the Porcupine
Maybe it starts when you hear those five words: “Can I give you feedback?”. Instantly, your brain lights up like a pinball machine:
“Oh no. What did I do wrong?”
In the next few moments, your inner critic voice steps in. Highlighting all your missteps. Your thoughts start spiraling:
“Why didn’t I see this coming?”
“I’ve screwed everything up.”
“I’ve fallen short, I’m not good enough.”
Suddenly, you’re a porcupine. Prickly. Defensive. The quills become your armor.
When Feedback Feels Like a Blow
A while back, I received brutal feedback in email on an issue that wasn't managed well during the earlier stages of the project. By the time it surfaced, the stakes were higher and the impact could have been significant if we didn’t act fast. I was rage typing a response. An email filled with detailed rebuttals, chronology of events and evidence. I was in full-on porcupine mode.
But at the back of my mind, a red light flicked on in my head: “You’re emotional. Don’t hit send.”
So I didn’t. I left the draft there and worked on something else. I waited for the emotional wave to pass before deciding what to do next.
A few hours later, I saw things more clearly. They had a point, we should have managed this better. Their delivery was rough, but their input was useful. Their willingness to flag it early meant we could still fix it together. I shifted from defense to curiosity, and that made the difference.
What Helped Me
Here are a some strategies that helped me shift from porcupine to progress mode:
Pause before responding. That first wave of emotion isn’t the full story. Wait it out.
Separate fact from feeling. The feedback might sting, but it doesn’t define you.
What can I learn from this. Ask, “What’s useful here?” instead of “What did I do wrong?”
Let go of perfect. Even the best leaders get it wrong. What matters is how we bounce back.
For those who like frameworks, we have HEAR:
H – Halt your internal reactions
Take a beat when you realise feedback is coming. Notice what’s happening:
Are you mentally preparing your defense?
Is your chest tight or heart racing?
Do you feel the urge to interrupt?
Pause. Breathe. Wait. Tell yourself: “This person is trying to help me.”
E – Engage with curiosity
Ask questions to understand:
“Can you give me a specific example?”
“What impact did you notice when I did that?”
“How would you have preferred it done?”
This turns the conversation from confrontation to collaboration.
A – Acknowledge what you’re hearing
This doesn’t mean agreeing. It means showing you understand their view:
“I can see how that would be frustrating.”
“I hear that the tone came across more abrupt than I intended.”
Avoid “I hear you, but…” That “but” erases everything before it.
R – Respond thoughtfully
Respond to what was said, not what you feared was implied:
“Thanks for sharing this. I’ll think about how to improve.”
“Can we discuss some ways I could do this better next time?”
The Mindset Shift: From Defensive to Curious
The foundation of receiving feedback well starts with a mindset shift. Instead of approaching feedback as an attack on your competence, view it a validation about your impact.
The Defensive Mindset Says:
"They're wrong about me"
"They don't understand the full situation"
"I need to explain why I did what I did"
"They have something against me"
The Growth Mindset Says:
"This is information about my impact"
"Even if I disagree, there's something to learn here"
"Their perception is their reality and that matters"
"This is data I can use to improve"
Final Thoughts
Remember: Feedback doesn't always feel kind, but it holds a seed of growth. The people who advance fastest in their careers aren't those who never receive critical feedback. They are the ones who receive it well and act on it effectively.
Your ability to receive feedback signals to others that you are someone worth investing in, someone who can handle increased responsibility, and someone who will continue to grow and improve.
If you are in self-blame mode right now, feeling like every piece of feedback is a personal indictment, remind yourself: this is not a personal attack.
Shift the spotlight away from yourself and onto the bigger picture. Ask:
"What impact did this have on others?"
"What could I do differently next time to make things better for the team or outcome?"
This isn’t about your worth as a human being. It is about the impact of your actions. And that is something we can work with, improve, and evolve from.